The Purpose In Pain

"Wish it could be easy, why is life so messy, why is pain a part of us..."- Kari Jobe, Steady My Heart.

These honest lyrics are my inspiration for this week's blog post. I was driving the other day & was listening to this song & the question Kari asks at the onset of the song is: "Why is pain apart of us?" The question stuck out to me & has perpetuated an ongoing conversation between the Lord & I this past week that has led to a few realizations I've found worthy enough to blog about. Though the season i am currently walking through has held a vast amount of opportunities to witness God do some crazy amazing things, in all honesty & interestingly enough, it's been amidst some painful circumstances. As I began this conversation with the Lord this week, I was reminded of the reoccurring theme I have known to be in God's character amidst the various trials I have faced in my life: Where ever there has been immense pain, God has brought immense fruit. A common question I have found myself asking God this week is Why? Why is pain apart of us? Why does life have to hurt? I have experienced various trials in my life & various leaps of faith & though I have faced many things far more painful than what I am currently walking through, this season has definitely been the most interesting & probably the longest. A 3 year long period of questioning, over-analyzing, asking why why why- I suspect is coming to an end. When I began writing this blog I was wading in the waters of the ever confusing call God had put on my life to follow Him to an elite private Christian school, Union University, where I never found myself feeling at home rather felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, yet looking back wouldn't trade the experience for the world. God showed me what I was made of, & what I really wasn't made of haha- & I'm sure by now the way Im talking about Union you can guess I am no longer attending there & you will have guessed correct. I now attend Memphis College of Art, the school I originally sacrificed in complete raw faith to follow God to Union from. God reimbursed the exact scholarship I had worked my whole high school career for & not a penny less & for as long as I need. I left Union. And to this day, though I'd like to say Im still not completely sure what that was all about, I think I might have an idea. God gave me a dream, a vision, a calling, & a desire to work in girls ministry. He told me to give up art & as confused as I was, I just obeyed & walked blindly in faith. For 2 gruesome, mind-boggling years I took the hardest classes known to man, became a hermit with no social life as product of studying Greek & Philosophy, & picked up a caffeine addiction to survive what my mental capacity was not clinically capable of handling. I literally just chuckled thinking of how wigged out & frazzled I was trying to do my very best there. Goodness, I was a mess- but I can honestly say I took God's word when He told me to stay put & learn. Everyday- literally- the painful question crossed my mind, 'God, why cant I do art? Why am I here? I suck at this! Why cant I study art? Why are you calling me to study what I am so not built to comprehend? This makes no sense!' Entry after entrees in my prayer journals from those 2 years are filled with these prayers. I was frustrated, sad, discouraged, & very much in pain. God told me before I threw my art scholarship to the wind that He was going to use me to teach young women His word despite my learning disability & He gave me an uncanny desire for girls ministry to go with it. I followed God to Union high on a vision of me being some beth-moore-looking character, convinced the women would just flock to me, & I'd get to speak truth & wisdom to young women, see girls get saved- I mean I walked on that campus ready to see the Red Sea split in two. But that wasn't quite what happened... actually that didn't happen at all. God put me at Union to change me, not me to change Union. He placed me there to train me up, when I had shown up to receive the fruition of what He told me I would have later. Over the course of the 2 years, I grew weary & discouraged having still not seen what God called me there for & I slowly lost sight of why I had followed God to Union. The enemy attacked me in every area I was weakest & I believed what seemed to be his every lie. I developed insecurities about my very own testimony because somewhere along the way of being immersed in a culture of people who came from "normal families" or grew up in church, or actually earned their academic scholarship, I found myself to be inadequate, soiled, broken, & unwanted. I definately wasn't the smartest in my classes, though I killed myself to keep A's & B's. I didn't come from any pedigree, nor did I know some high up names in ministry. More was the sound of crickets chirping at the thought of come learn under Jessica Haas & how she teaches the word of God! Yeah right! I laugh now at how ridiculous my expectations were because I had so much to learn, but at the time that reality was very painful. I couldn't give a biblical interpretation or some theology lecture on the tense of a greek verb & write up my own theories on ideas that had never been thought of like some of my classmates could. I remember one time during a discussion in my Christian Ethics class some guy was talking about how murder was justified because it was in the Old Testament & so its okay if God says so & I simply responded God didn't say so because the Ten Commandments say Thou Shalt not murder & everyone laughed at me. I still to this day don't know what I said that was so funny. I had given God everything I had worked for to follow Him to Union & this was what I got in return?! Shattered dreams & more greek homework? Towards the end of my stay at Union, I had come to the conclusion that the dream God had given me to do girls ministry was just a dream & though I wouldn't admit it with my mouth, my heart had already forfeited believing God wanted to do something so incredible with me. And what is interesting is that now I am able to stand back & see all that God has done since then. I realize that if I were the enemy scheming against God's child who had been called to speak & stand as proof that circumstances don't define you, they refine you, I would have made that kid insecure about their testimony & gave them reason to keep their mouth shut too. And thats exactly what happened. My spiritual gifting, though interpreted under many different names, has something to do with public speaking/ teaching & that is where I find so much fulfillment, yet while at Union I had never grown so silent, so timid, so insecure, so quickly in all my Christian walk. Looking back, now I can see why. At the time, all I could feel was pain & I let it determine the way I lived. I believed that I was worthless, I believed that I was stupid, I believed that I was incapable, & I believed people would be better off without me opening my mouth. But God didn't bring me to Union to do that to me... God brought me to Union to bring that out of me. Because while I was believing all those lies, I was neck in neck with my very intelligent classmates- debating theology, writing the 25 page papers, learning the Greek, discussing ethics & our opinions on what was what- I was just blind & convinced I was somehow inferior, but I wasn't! God showed me nothing is impossible with Him there, & He taught me a good solid biblical foundation to work from, to teach from, & now has led me back to Memphis to use it. But as I speak from such a victorious standpoint, it's only because God has unveiled all of this to me over the course of this summer, by which did not start out so victorious.
This past summer, I've experienced so much loss- not winning Miss Texas, finding out my desired degree path in graphic design since now back at art school would take an extra 3 years, among several other things. As I have reminisced over all God has done in the past 3 years this past year, nothing made sense until now. I came to a point this summer where I just broke down in tears & asked God, "Where am I supposed to go from here? Why are you doing this? Did I mishear your voice? Was I never supposed to leave Union? Did I screw up your plan for me? My talents, my background, my heart- everything that makes up "me"- why is it not fitting into the scenery of this path? Why do I keep getting turned down & rejected? Did I do something wrong? Why did you deal me the life I had & identity that makes me me & then call me to all this? Why God?" It was a time of honest deep asking, & for the first time in a long long time I have been hearing His voice say, "Wait. I'm doing something your eyes have never seen & ears have never heard." God has been speaking to me in ways like never before. Random prophetic messages have been handed to me from people I don't even know at random places telling me that it's going to get easier, notes left on my car telling me not to cease praying & that God knows the desires of heart & for me to wait another year- really specific stuff. At first I wasn't sure if I should give any weight to any of it, but now all the pieces are coming together. God has been speaking to me like crazy & showing me all this pain, all these questions, all thats happened in the past 3 years- its all apart of the plan & it all has a purpose! Though I have experienced pain, what's interesting is that I have also experienced so much unexpected gain. God has been giving me great opportunities to speak & teach his word to young women just like He said He would, He has rekindled the zeal I had for the vision He gave me 2 years ago, & out of no where, according to fellow friends, I apparently can sing ( still trying to wrap my head around that blessing!) God has assured me that the reason I haven't fit the mold in these places He has taken me is because the mold is what's expected to succeed in the area God has called me to- but God is the only mold a Christian has to fill & He wants to prove that through me. I am not built to naturally comprehend the level of education God called me to get, but I survived it by His grace, & all my credits transferred back to MCA & just happen to be all the core classes I'll need to take care of my basics if God calls me to seminary, which I suspect He might be ( still waiting on confirmation on that one). God has shown me that my finger print, hair, abilities, disabilities, desires, background, height, strengths, weaknesses, long eyelashes, talents- all of it- I am cut out for a specific plan! I am not made from a generic mold... I am real! God told me He knew what He was doing when He chose me, called me, & gave me this vision & He is still choosing me, calling me, & this vision is still from Him. This is all apart of the plan! So why take me through the trenches? Why take any of us? WHY is pain apart of us? What is the purpose in pain!?!?
Is it just because God is mean? No. Rather, it is because He is good. It is through pain that God shapes & molds us & sanctifies us as pure as gold. Pain is actually a product of coming out of the condition were already in because of sin- brokenness-& just like a broken bone that is dislocated- lodging it back into place is painful, inhumane almost, but necessary & it's the first step towards healing. But something worth noting is that God doesn't bring pain; He brings restoration & redemption & it's a holy consuming fire that burns when put in contact with fleshy brokenness. Every healing remedy shows us it hurts to heal. Put a bone back in place, clean a wound with alcohol- it burns, it hurts, but it must be done! But why must we feel it though? Why would God permit us to hurt? Why would He want that? This is where we are looking at it wrong. Pain is the cleansing process we must go through to get to the other side. It's like two islands divided by a lake. The island we are born on is brokenness & the island we are trying to get to is redemption, but we have to cross the lake that separates the two & unfortunately the water is so holy & good that our flesh can't handle it & we experience pain by trying to cross it. But this is the process of sanctification, it's healing, it's being made new! This is the purpose in pain! For in heaven there will be no pain, but here while in our earthly bodies, pain still exists. God's word says we will have to endure suffering as we follow Him, yet we can rest assured that the pain has a purpose! Pain is apart of us to shape us, to make us cling to God- the only one who has the strength to hold us safely still as the currents of the storm rage beyond our ability to stand- it is to deepen our faith, to cause us to to trust Him more, & finally see that He is good & faithful when it is all said & done! God tears us down to build us back up in His image. He must break us, expose us, & cleanse us in order to grow us & build us back up to produce true good fruit. If you are following Christ & life hurts- it is not because He has forgotten about you, in fact it means He is producing something in you that is so good, it hurts! The severity of the pain indicates the greatness of the fruit. I know what it feels like to feel like God has forgotten you- I experienced that very thing at Union, & even this past summer. But take it from me- hold fast to the Lord, His love never fails!- I am proof there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there is hope in the hurting- He has a plan & it is oh so glorious! Hold fast to Him! There is purpose in the pain!

"I said, 'Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts for now is the time to seek the Lord, that He may come and shower righteousness upon you." -Hosea 10:12


"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." -2 Corinthians 4:7-10


"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18


“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."- Isaiah 55:8-9 


“But he knows where I am going. I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden. I look to the south, but he is concealed. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside." -Job 23:9-11

"Their hearts are dull and stupid, but I delight in your instructions. My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. Your instructions are more valuable to me than millions in gold and silver."- Psalm 119:70-72


"And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” -Mark 5:34


"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."- 1 Peter 1:6-7


"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." -Isaiah 66:9

Download Kari Jobe's, Steady My Heart, on iTunes! It's a great song!