Christians Don't Even Fit In With Christians

I am getting rid of the fear to be who I truly am, weaknesses, past, & all! Satan preys upon my identity because he knows its the very thing God uses to witness to the world of His power. As Louie Giglio said at Passion, "The reason God didn't remove Jesus' scars was because those wounds were the witness of Gods power!" This season of my life, God has been teaching me the very same because somehow, somewhere along the way I have forgotten the power God has put behind my scars and have been struggling with hiding them. In the world today there is so much pressure to be perfect. And though one might think it'd be different in Christian circles, unfortunately it isn't. In Christian culture today, the American dream is all too prominent and sought after. The unbroken christian who has it all together, perfect family, no need for mercy or grace, & no problems, the person who does all the right things and has no past, comes from the perfect home and is so well dressed- is this not the image we all seek to fit? Why? Arent we supposed to be aiming to look like Christ? That is not His description! Too many times have I heard grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, justice from a pulpit with a congregation Amen-ing it and yet never carried out when life gets really real. Hard times come in relationships and marriages and christians abandon the situation out of self- protecting fear, looking out for whats best for them, life gets hard and money gets tight and the homeless man in the parking lot asks for spare change and christians lie and say they dont have cash and keep walking, Christian causes businesses and campaigns rise up for the cause of justice and to proclaim the name of Jesus in a dark world and christians non-shalontly pass them up, ignore them, and claim they just dont want to get involved. Christians are becoming passive, tolerant, and uninvolved, almighty judges of what fits the ideal of what fits and what doesnt. Getting knee deep in a chrisitan culture one can find out easily what images, backgrounds, and identities are highly valued and praised in christian society, and quite frankly it makes me sick. None of us really fit that image and none of us can really attain it- we are so foolish! And yet we waste our time trying to do so when we could be utilizing our time to look more like Christ!
One must ask themselves- Would Jesus fit into our Christian culture? Its a scary thought because we all know the answer is no. If we are not striving with everything within us to look like Christ, then what are we doing? We've been tricked, decieved, and blinded! After pondering this the past few weeks I've realized the greatest thing I can do to serve my Lord is be what He has called me to be, no shame, but completely exposed and humbled for His glory becuase the truth is, I, nor my life, or what I have to offer, look anything like the Christian ideal. But Jesus says I dont have to! In fact, before I became a Christian at the age of 16, it was the very Christian ideal I resented. I couldn't afford name brands, I came from a broken home, I had a learning disability- I wasn't exactly the girl who had it all together, far from it& I attempted hanging with the kids that did, going to church and all, but I didn't last very long. I knew I was bound to break the rules, I knew the moms looked down upon me because of the reputation I had- becoming "good" wasn't easy. I didn't know the ropes, the proper words, how to worship, how to act, I was unfamiliar with such a culture & I was unfamiliar to them. Which is why I probably didn't come to Christ until I was 16. I couldn't fit in with that crowd in middle school, so I did what I knew I was good at- being bad. I converted to Christianity in High school, when a girl finally reached out & got on my level, confessed she had done & come from the same background I had and faced the same challenges I did, yet Jesus still saved her! I couldn't believe it! She wasn't perfect and yet still did this Christian thing- she headed up the girls ministry in fact! God couldn't have given me a more attractive image of Himself by letting me meet her! And that's what did it for me. It seriously wasn't until a girl made known to me how unacceptable she was before she met Christ & that it was only by His grace that she is who she is now & He accepted her, claimed her, made her His own. That transparency is what convinced me that I might have a shot at this Christian thing too, that God could make something good out of my life. And He did! He snatched me from the pit, saved me at 16, & got right to work in me! He allowed me of all people to be a Bible study leader of some 7th & 8th grade girls, and drew me to one in specific named Kayla Wallace. Same past, same brokenness, same testimony as me, this little 14 year old girl captured my heart & through the same transparency I learned from my girls minister I showed Kayla God accepts real sinners & has great plans for their lives. God told me to pour into her specifically and to tell her He was going to do something amazing with her life. So I did. Her whole life changed in the time I knew her, she rededicated her life to God, took her relationship with God and made it her own, just completely blossomed. But unfortunately I only knew her for a short time because Kayla passed away in a freak accident at summer camp. An amoeba swam up her nose and into her brain killing her suddenly. The cause of death was rare. 22 cases in the last century & all males type-of-rare. She was the only female. I was so confused with God. The last time I talked to Kayla was when I encouraged her on an issue I noticed I was beginning to struggle with in my new found faith as well: if God was so good why would He allow all these bad things to happen to me? Kayla asked me that question in our last conversation before she died, but I didn't know the answer until she asked me this question. I realized who she was asking: it was me, and I realized the answer to my own question was the answer to hers. God showed me in that moment what I ended up explaining to Kayla which was, "God doesn't make bad things happen to us, rather he allows them to happen to us. He doesn't want to waste our sorrows, rather He intends to use them to help others that are going through the same thing because if I hadn't gone through what I did when I was a little girl, how would I be able to help you like I am right now." It was a break through for both of us. Kayla ended up writing that conversation down and our youth pastor read it at her funeral. I sobbed my eyes out when I heard the words, having no clue the type of impact I had had on this little girl. I got to her burial and so many people in her family knew my name & claimed she talked about me all the time. Her dad told me she wrote all about me in her journal, and one little girl even came up to me and told me the same things and that she got saved when Kayla took her to church. I was so overwhelmed! Humbled! Floored! Because I had no idea this little girl was looking up to me that much& it wasn't me, it was Christ in me, empowering her like my girls minister did for me. Through that experience God gave me an unrelenting passion for girls ministry, one I still cannot explain. Shortly after kayla passed, the Lord called me to tell Kayla's story, to share the same wisdom He had given me to give her: to not waste my sorrows but to go tell of what He had done. He called me to compete in a pageant. I obeyed and He put a crown on my head and a platform from which to speak. So far 48 people that I know of have come to know the Lord through her story. Kayla passed away 4 years ago & her story still is such a monumental event in my life. God was faithful to do as He said He would- that He was going to do something amazing with her life and thats why I needed to encourage her when I first met her, get on her level. I will never cease to be amazed at the work of His hands in that season of my life, but most of all I will never forget the way I felt at the climax of it all. How I fell to my knees in humility, sobbing at the realization that Jesus used me... ME! Of all the girls in that church house that had been so faithful to him their whole lives, that knew His word & I barely understood a few verses, that came from beautiful Christian homes and backgrounds but mine so broken and I felt so useless- of all those so perfectly qualified candidates... he let me be apart of Kayla's life. This moment, this event- it was this one right here that God not only gave me a ferocious desire to minister to girls, and an unexplainable compassion for broken people, but here is where God taught me how what I was so ashamed of, resented, thought held me back & disqualified me, He used to qualify me & how there is an awesome place for broken people in His kingdom! He showed me who I am is not to be looked down upon, hidden, or ashamed of, rather to be exposed, testified of and published because in Him those wounds are healed and through Him, my scars are not marks of weakness but marks of power and that because of them others will come to Him because of what He has healed in me! I will never get over what God did with Kayla Wallace for what He did was a miracle- an amazing & empowering story! Though, if I can also be real for a minute here too, the story of Kayla will never part my lips & I will never doubt what God did in that season, but in the past few years, that truth of what God spoke over my life 4 years ago, the rawness, the hit home feeling of my worth to His kingdom... has faded, been challenged and mixed up with lies and I never even realized it. Ya know the saying, "You don't know you're at the bottom until you look up and realize you're sitting there staring at the top." ? This past season could be summed up with that phrase. I followed God to a private Christian school for Biblical Studies, for girls ministry, so I could teach girls the word of God, to learn how to be this crazy speaker and do this awesome girls ministry- I followed God completely by faith. And everything God told me He was going to do with me there, teach me there, equip me with there... He did. I joined debate and debated professional lawyers around the nation, I somehow survived some of the hardest classes known to man taught by the best men in the business from around the world- I look back and the fact that I hung out for 2 years is a ridiculous miracle in and of itself. I was told by many I had such great faith to give up everything I knew and follow God to a place Id never been and do whatever He told me to do, but I know it was all God. But what happened to my mind over those two years is what landed me here, the bottom of the hill, my new starting point. 
When I arrived on this Christian campus I began to notice there were alot of people that didn't look like me, didn't talk like me, didn't think like me... I was different. It made no difference to me the clothes or the name brands or the fads, christian lingo, certain speakers, or really intense theological terminology they used at first... until I began to notice that that was what was sought after. It didn't take long for me to realize that pretty much every girl on that campus wanted to be like Beth Moore, that girls that came from good Christian homes and dressed a certain way were the ones the guys pursued, and that my baby knowledge of the Bible and Jesus would be laughed at if anyone found out. Satan began attacking me the minute I arrived- eating away at my calling, reinforcing my fears, my insecurities. Ridiculous isn't it? I see God do all this amazing stuff with Kayla and getting me into this school and I allow these lies to creep in my mind the minute I walk on campus... except I didn't know they were lies. The worst of them all was the one about my past. I literally began to believe that I was a harlot! Though I was saved by grace, redeemed by the blood of Jesus, satan began to guilt me for what I used to be and had done when I was without Christ. I felt like I was in grade school all over again, that Jesus wasn't attainable, that I was going to have to fight for my image as a Christian & since God had called me to be in that place, I was determined to be obedient, and fight I did. I hid my past, I hid my story, I never talked about my learning disability, my brokenness- I didn't want to be viewed as weak, I didn't want to be disqualified. I knew if I spoke up about who I really was, what I had really come from, christians would look down upon me, no one would want to marry into my family, deal with my baggage- sure on a stage under the limelight were bringing Jesus the glory through my weaknesses but it didn't feel that way when I got off. The story was only awesome until the applause ended. I began to learn that at the end of the day what I didn't have would be more important than what I did and so I hid it all and played monkey see monkey do. I believed all these lies and in believing them, became driven to complete bitterness and anger towards the people that surrounded me. I had so much hatred. A bitterness began to take root deep inside of me, a resentment, a hurt, a lie that claimed I was not good enough, that not even Jesus could qualify me for such a pure life. And I broke. I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore, & I had to get out of there. And like Jonah I fled. I left the place God had called me to go with hate in my heart knowing Jesus was all I needed because His word said so, but I just couldn't take the heat. I learned through that experience that ministry is not for the weak at heart. To be called to ministry is like a draft to the fiercest war on earth. A war that plays tricks on your mind, where your not guaranteed fellowship, where the harder you seek after God, the more beaming of a target you become to destroy. Everyday- there is nothing like the type of death you must partake in to your flesh to withstand the tests you will face. I've never experienced anything like it, I had no idea of what I was getting myself into, and looking back now there was no way I could have been prepared for what I faced. I think I literally went mad for a good bit lol. I laugh now, but it was so serious then. I used to cry for hours & even had such harmful thoughts toward myself because the pain from all the mental turmoil and stuff I was facing was so intense. The Spiritual warfare I experienced was out of this world. It's been a year since I left that campus, and God has shown me so much, largely because so much has happened in my life since then, but He has taught me so many vital lessons that will shape the way I live the rest of my life. And one of the greatest, most freeing ones has been the power and confidence He has built back up within me for that of my past and testimony. No more shame! 
 For the longest time I was so ashamed of my past, my pedigree, my limitations and I let it all bind me, but not anymore! Jesus has shown me that the Holy Spirit was enough for Him and He is enough for me too! His grace is sufficient! For too long have I begged and pleaded God for the answer as to why He gave me the life He did, and now Ive decided to gladly accept it! I had forgotten the privilege I have in being marked by the scars that are no longer wounds that testify of the healing and redeeming power of Jesus Christ! Jesus has answered me and showed me the reason I wouldn't be quiet long enough to hear. He said, "Jessica, I have made you and given you all this for MY glory! I dont want you to fear being who Ive made you to be any longer because Ive made you this way for a reason!" Just as Beth Moore had no Beth Moore to look to when God called her to women's ministry, just as Lecrae had no Lecrae to look to when God called him to christian rap, just as Martin Luther King had no Martin Luther King to look to when God called him to stand up for civil rights- so God has called me to be the leader of the girls that come from backgrounds and circumstances similar to mine, to stand up and be a voice and image of freedom. Sex, alcohol, parties, dysfunction, fears, insecurities- yes, I have a past thats pretty heavy, but Christ is greater than it all and has made me new in Him and told me not to have any shame! So I will proclaim my weaknesses if it makes Him more glorious! And as I do, the Lord will use my efforts to enable other women to shake off their chains and see Jesus can be for them too! Jesus showed me He sets the captives free and even He comes from a line of sinners, whores, thieves, and murderers! That even He doesn't come from a whole home! That even He had a step dad, was poor, and was made fun of! What a relief that the King of the Universe is willing to get on my level!  That He is willing to redeem us, make us new, make us like HIM! Thus, I have no shame in proclaiming I NEED HIM! I have been set free and you can find freedom in Him too! 
Looking back at this past year & now going forward applying what God has been teaching me I have noticed some things change for the benefit! Living without shame that I come from a family that is as dysfunctional as they come lol has made me embrace them closer, be more vulnerable with them, real with them, transparent with them, proud of them, & ya know what, they have all been talking about Jesus and God and church more than I have ever seen since I became a Christian when I was 16. I once had a christian guy tell me he didn't "fit" in with my family & such a comment really crippled me. Well Jesus has redeemed that in me showing me that "Duh, a christian cant expect to "fit" in with a bunch of people who don't know God, but we love them like Christ would love them anyway!" Makes me say thank you Jesus for not waiting for us to "fit" in with you, rather that you came & got on our level instead! God has given me such a heart for the broken just like me! Even talking this past week to a single mom who used to be addicted to drugs and is now on the right track with Jesus, just getting to encourage her to see that God will use her story & brokenness to bring others just like her to Himself! God has placed such an indescribable zeal within me to be that voice and light and He always has ever since what He showed me through Kayla. But this time I will not let the ideologies of what a Christian is supposed to be snuff it out, make me ashamed, tell me I don't fit or silence me, rather I will cling to Jesus- the true image of Christianity. Jesus is enough, He is all we need & His blood has set us free! December 2013, by the grace of God, I will graduate art school, and after that- Lord willing, and at His command and provision only- I will return to Bible school, the greatest battle field I have ever known, to finish what the Lord has called me to do. I have no idea what all the Lord wants to do with my life but I don't want to ever make the mistake again of believing that it is nothing just because I am different. God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I will believe Him and by His grace, bring glory to His name! Thus, I have no more fear! I am who I am and I am ridiculously in LOVE with my GOD! I am still so humbled and amazed that God would use someone like me to bring glory to Himself and that he would heal my wounds to show the world my scars as testimony of His goodness. It's so awesome because the word for scars in the bible is 'stigma' & slaves would have marks like these branded on them to distinguish who they belonged to! How beautiful is it that Paul in Galatians 6 references having scars because they distinguish him as belonging to Jesus! He literally was boasting in such scars! This description is more fitting for Christianity because it fits our savior and by His grace, He makes us able to fit it! And notice how Paul says scars, not wounds! Our wounds, our sorrows, made scars because they are healed by Jesus are the witnesses to the world that God is a caring, loving, powerful God that no obstacle, trial, mistake, or past can trump in being too much for Him to make new and use in an unbelievable way! That is Jesus Christ! That is my God!!! Can I get an AMEN!?!? What God is this that is so amazing, abundant in mercy, sincere in justice, and never ending in love? It is Yaweh, the King of Heavens armies and He has come to make new the sinners that need Him. I am one of those sinners, He has saved me, made me new, & fearless in proclaiming that He has made me new! There's freedom for you too! Will you take hold of it!?


Paul’s Final Advice

"Notice what large letters I use as I write these closing words in my own handwriting.

Those who are trying to force you to be circumcised want to look good to others. They don’t want to be persecuted for teaching that the cross of Christ alone can save. And even those who advocate circumcision don’t keep the whole law themselves. They only want you to be circumcised so they can boast about it and claim you as their disciples. As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died. It doesn’t matter whether we have been circumcised or not. What counts is whether we have been transformed into a new creation. May God’s peace and mercy be upon all who live by this principle; they are the new people of God. From now on, don’t let anyone trouble me with these things. For I bear on my body the scars that show I belong to Jesus. Dear brothers and sisters, may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen." -Galatians 6:11-18

"And He that sat upon the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new!" -Revelation 21:5

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage."- Galatians 5:1 

Check out Lecrae's song, "God is Enough." Download it off itunes or find it on youtube, but be sure to give it a listen- this song is great motivation that correlates and affirms the message in this weeks post. I'm a huge fan of all his work, so be sure to check it out!