Why Don't They Value Me?

As the holidays coming to an end, we say goodbye to our family and friends, and I thought I would share some huge, but very RAW and REAL truths about my holiday experiences. Beware ladies, I will not be spoon feeding you sugar coated stories by the fire (I wish I were) but rather the reality of what happens when we misplace our value, and where the majority of our anger towards our families come from.
Something I've noticed when I get around my family is the change in my attitude. At first it is a sigh of relief because I know I can come home and take a deep breath from a tiring routine at school. At first my attitude is warm and cheerful because I have come home and everyone is happy to see me, but then as my family begins to get back into their normal routines, I feel the coldness of the shift in spotlight because I have become a "part" of their lives again and I have to fight center stage with their jobs, agendas, wants, needs, and to-do's. Being a "part" is never fun, and usually it always leads to disappointment. Why? Because people like to be where they are wanted, not where they are "parts," and I would consider myself in this majority, as I am sure you would too. So with the inevitable becoming of a "part," comes inevitable disappointment- and yes we have all experienced it. So what did I do with mine? I bottled it up and never shared my pain with God. No matter how big or how small, God wants us to share our pains- Why? Because if we give them to God, then in His hands they wont blow out of proportion. But, did I do that?... nope. Did I learn the hard way? Yes, and unfortunately a lot harder than I would have liked.

Since I have been home I have had two, count them, two major outbursts of anger towards my family. I would love to say that it is unlike me when I come home because I get along perfect with my family, and that the circumstances were justified, but I would not be honest if I did. What's worse is that one of them took place on Christmas Eve... I mean talk about a grinch, because I definitely fit the profile. The conviction of the Holy Spirit plagued my soul after each and sent me to my room sobbing each time. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, why was I acting so ridiculous? Was it that time of month? And in each scenario I could feel the dissatisfaction inside my heart as I slowly rose to anger. It was like I had beef with someone and was ready to get it out in the open, I was ready to let someone know I had a problem, but at the same time I was trying to fight it. "Just don't blow up, Jessica," I thought to myself, "Just keep your cool." But somehow as I was trying to "keep my cool," I began acting overly cool, sarcastic, and rude even. It all started after coming back from out of town with my paw paw to spend the weekend with him and as soon as I walked in the door, a spirit of anger came over me and it was like I was too far gone. Mom was baking all my grandmother's old recipes- the goodies she always made for Christmas, and this year more than ever, her death became real and that it would be the 3rd Christmas without her, a reality that had been weighing on my heart like a million bricks... it was true that she really wasn't coming back. All weekend long the reality lingered, but paw paw and I got to talk about my Nanny, my real father, my heritage, and deep thoughts about God, which really helped put it to ease. Paw paw let my cousin and I go through all Nanny's old photo boxes the night before we left, but what I had set out to find was nothing compared to what I didn't anticipate to find. I had no idea the brokenness I would find in my own heart in searching through those old photos. Initially, I had sought to find some really old family photos with a Menorah or some type of Jewish evidence in my heritage because I had recently discovered I am of Jewish descent. Well as I began my hunt, I found more than what I wanted to see. I found pictures of my real father, pictures of my mom and me and my real dad all in the same photo like a real normal family. A familiar pitt rose up inside of me, a confusing hole that I wasn't sure how to understand. If any of you ladies have been dealt the same circumstances in life, then you know what I mean when I say its a pitt that is hollow for sure, but its not painful because its hollow but rather its a weird pain that hurts because you never knew what it was reserved for. And thats why it hurts- it touches a wrong button inside that alarms you with a reminder that the reserved seat at every recital, t-ball game, dance, and graduation plus every bed time prayer and tuck-me-in was empty. Its an anger that hurts because it is numb. Looking at those pictures that I had never seen before pulled out an anger Im not immediately sure I would call anger, I just know it was so deep that it left me quiet, expressionless, and full of "what-ifs."On top of that I found more and more photos of my childhood with my grandmother and grandfather in almost every other shot. But I think the one thing that cut me the deepest was I couldn't find but just one picture of my real father holding me, but I had a ton of everyone else holding me. He was always at a distance or next to someone else holding me and for some reason that reality didn't sit right but rather pushed harder into the pitt I was already feeling. It was then that I became vulnerable, and instead of turning to God right then and there, I turned to doubt. Accusations streamlined my thoughts: "He didn't want you, Jessica," "He never held you because he knew if he got too close then he couldn't leave you like he planned," "He never intended to stay or keep you," and I just tucked them each aside as always. Then as I saw pictures of my Nanny, goofy ones, and ones where she played with me, the tears began pushing from deep within but again I shoved them down. My 12 year old cousin was there and I didn't want to freak her out, so I held it back. I set some of the pictures to the side to see if pawpaw would let me have them and he did, but come Sunday night as my paw paw and I came home, you can imagine I played it cool, but man was I messed up inside. The ride home was often quiet, so it was easy to be calm, cool, and collected, but the minute I walked in the door, my words were required and they were tainted with the state of my heart. Sarcastic remarks flew out to try to bounce off the anger I felt towards my mom, and my a matter- of-fact attitude found its way at the fore front of my speech, directing every word that left my mouth. Then something set me off- mom, hadn't given me any ours to work the store (our family owned store) when she had told me she would- I felt like she was cutting me short. It was then that my anger found a reason to vindicate itself and began to let loose, and it just kept coming. My step dad intervened and asked what was up and I tried explaining it to him, but im sure at that point my rage had disqualified me of having any legitimacy (in which I had none in the first place.) So in dramatic fashion, I hauled myself to my room with an excused- because- of-frustration pass. I tried to calm down, but I just couldn't get the belief that I just had been skimmed over out of my head. But I put up a fight, and said to myself, "no Jessica, don't act like this." The Holy Spirit was trying to give me a heads up that something was up and to pack it in for the night, and I understood but I couldn't deal with the thought that I had just made a fool of myself, so what did I do? I pulled out the pictures pawpaw had given me to show my family as a way for a make up, lets have a light laugh, kind of thing. But I should have listened to the Spirit, because it definitely didn't go down that way. I brought out the pictures and it was a light laugh at first, but then mom said, "You know, these are actually supposed to be mine." BOOM. It was like a bomb went off inside of me, and though I had intentionally brought them home for us to sort out to one another, the moment she said that, something inside of me broke to the melody of, "She is trying to take them away from you because she thinks they belong to her, and if you don't stop her, she'll take everything." I immediately replied with haste, "No, pawpaw gave them to me!" She said, "yeah, but they weren't his to give. They're actually mine. Nanny had been saving them for me." Then my step dad intervened, "Jessica, why are you acting that way, just let her have them." I felt betrayed, and I thought to myself, "these people are crazy, they're not taking away the only things I've got left of my childhood!" But that wasn't the situation at all, I was overreacting. My anger found exactly what it wanted to attack and came out full force, but it wasn't at my mom, the one I was really mad at for some reason, the fight became between me and my step dad. I said hateful words, and I thank the Lord I didn't say everything I was thinking because as he intervened my first thought was, "this has nothing to do with you. why are you in this?" and that one actually came out of my mouth and started the fight. I freaked out, and this time, I went to my room and didn't come back out. I cried my eyes out because on one hand I was hurt, and mad and on the other I was ashamed because I had just ruined my witness to my family that had recently been won to Christ- Gosh, what an example I was! Yeah right! About half an hour later with a pillow drenched in tears like a baby, my step dad came in and talked to me. I explained how and why I acted the way I did, and how it hurt my heart. He forgave me, and we made up, and then then next day I went to my mom's office and apologized. I explained where it came from and how I was hurt, and she forgave me and we made up. What an embarrassing blog to post you must be thinking, but girls it gets worse... Christmas Eve.
So I had this great idea to redo an old chandelier, like one of those DIY projects, for my moms store. I had been thinking about it for months, and I found the perfect one for only $5.00. All day, Christmas Eve (day) I spent redoing this chandelier, wrapping gifts for everyone I had bought ahead of time for, and even made an emergency trip to Lifeway to buy my pawpaw a huge expensive (for my budget) bible commentary he had wanted, and spent two hours being indecisive over all the options and finally went with the sales lady's advice, but then came up $5.00 short (and my hobo DIY project clothes didn't help either)- She probably thought I was homeless. I think the poor girl felt sorry for me, and decided to take care of it for me. It was a rough day, but finally it was time to present the chandelier. I'm not sure what I expected, maybe a beam of light from heaven and a chorus of angles singing hallelujah as I ushered in my handy work because I was so proud of it, but I got a "Wow Jessica! Thank you! I love it!" and a gasp- which I adored at first, but within the same 60 seconds I presented it, we ushered it back outside for safe keeping just as quick. When the door closed, I think my heart sank a little because I had wanted a little bit more of an elaborate reaction, but what did I do with the mini-pain? The same thing I did with the pictures... I tucked it to the side and ignored it. Can you tell where the story is going? So Santa clause comes and passes out presents to everyone and then the shearing and ripping of wrapping paper begins. I hold off on opening any of mine because I want to absorb the reactions of everyone else when they open what I got them. First, my brother- he actually read the back of the book I got him, and that lifted my spirits a bit. Second, pawpaw- guess what he says with a huge grin as he begins to open his heavy gift: "I bet this is the Archeology book I wanted," ... well, it wasn't ... Sink. My heart lost its footing a few feet down as he realized it wasn't what he thought, because I reasoned he would've had more use of this commentary. Third, my cousin's family- I got them a HSCB Bible, and they seemed thankful... but it was like that nice kind of thankful... Sink. Another few feet down. Fourth- my mom again- she acted really excited when she opened her movie, so that helped... until she reacted the same way with every other present she opened. Fifth- my baby brother, I had gotten him his first Bible, and I was so excited for my parents to help him open it, but in the same minute they opened it and thanked me for it, they placed aside to open the next. I had hoped at least some type of recognition for getting him his first Bible. Merrrrrrrrr Sink. My heart fell another few feet. Sixth- my step dad, he looked at the book I got him and seemed thankful too, but at that point I had begun opening my presents already disheartened and disappointed over all the other not fully ecstatic joyful reactions to the presents I had gotten everyone. My whole attitude was ridiculous. It was like I was expecting the excitement to revolve around me, and when it didn't I began to tell myself, well at least I have presents to open, and began seeking to find my joy in the presents. Wrong move again, kerplunk, there goes my joy. All the presents I opened were clothes that weren't my size, or taste, and as my pile of presents began getting smaller and smaller to the background of the joy and laughter of my mom, little brother, and step dad opening what appeared to be everything they absolutely wanted, I saw a triangle of joy and suddenly something was triggered again. I heard a voice in my head that said, "See they don't care about you Jessica, they don't know you, they just got you presents because they had to," and as hurt began to well up inside, the lie started digging deeper, "See Jessica, your on the out skirts of this family, they don't want you, your not needed here, see how they are marginalizing you and your brother- your just the step children, the kids they have to buy for, they don't care about ya'll." Soon hurt turned into anger, painful, hurting, burning anger. I believed every lie, and by doing so, I sank faster than a led weight in a pool of water. It was written all over my face, and I knew it. I tried to hide it because I knew how it would made me look in the context of opening presents. How selfish, how ungrateful, how ridiculous, materialistic, and self-centered I would have looked if I had mentioned that I was hurt, but the truth was that I was hurt. I was hurt not because I didn't get anything I really liked, but because I saw a triangle of joy between my step father, my mom, and their immediate son, because they were ecstatic over everything they had received. It looked like they were one big happy family, while my brother and I, the step children, sat off to the side in the margin unnoticed. I wasn't unhappy because I got things I didn't really want, rather I was unhappy because they, the three of them, were happy. If it had been my mom, my other brother, and kaiden, I think I would have been fine, or my step dad, and my two brothers, but I saw what was my greatest fear- the family in our family that would be considered normal without me and my brother happy, and it was set up just perfect to appear that my greatest fear, happiness without me, could be and was a reality. And once again, something inside me broke, a string being pulled so tight, and so thin that I could literally feel the wrenching of either sides being pulled inside of me until SNAP. I quietly excused myself after my cousins went home, and went to my room and sat behind my door and sobbed. It was like a pain I couldn't describe. It hurt soooo bad though. I felt like I was being torn to shreds inside, because the reality of what I had just saw was so so so real, and the pain that came with it was equivalent. I finally collected myself, dried my tears, and went back into the living room. I was sure that I had cried it out and now I could be normal...I was wrong. I just made way for the anger and my thoughts just continued to blame my pity party on my family the rest of the night. My mom finally said, "Jessica, you look hurt, what's wrong?" I replied, "Nothing, Im fine. Really mom, Im okay." LIE!  "Are you sure?" she asked, and I said with a modest smile, "Just because, I am quiet doesn't mean I'm mad. Don't worry, I am fine. I really am." ANOTHER LIE! What did I do? I just tucked each cringe to the side and ignored the pain, hoping once again, that it would just naturally subside. We got an Xbox Live for the family and as we played it, there were a few moments it did, and I felt okay again, but as soon as I sat still and took a step back, it tackled me again. The game had boxing live, and I was being ornery when asked to play so I said, "I don't do that, its too real. Im not going to fight my family." TALK ABOUT HIPPOCRATIC! Finally, my step dad says, "why are you acting the way you are, you make us feel judged." And BOOM. The one remark that pushed me off the edge. I wont go in detail to how dumb I acted, this blog is embarrassing enough, but my anger definitely found its opportunity to let itself out. And instead of going to my room to cry I went to the bathroom, lol. I laugh now because of how ridiculous I realize I acted, but at the time the lies of the enemy were so serious, and I mean so real, that I laid on that bathroom floor and wished my life gone. I even began praying for the Lord to take me right then and there. I turned the bath water on and left it running so they would think I was taking a shower the whole time I was really balled up on the bathroom floor crying, but Im sure I looked even more like an idiot when I walked out fully clothed and completely dry. I went to bed early Christmas Eve, and once again, I drenched my pillow in tears, and once again, my step dad came in and talked it over with me. He helped me come to more of a peace, but who I really wanted to talk to was my mom, so he sent her in, but lets just say I should have waited till the next morning because words were said that cut both of us deep deep deep. I resorted to the hurt that left me silent, tears streaming down my cheeks. I read some Max Lucado, turned out my lamp, rolled over in my conviction, and fell asleep.
Why do I go into detail about what has occurred since I have been home? Because anything less I truly feel wouldn't be the whole truth. You see, I would love to tell you ladies that I live a cookie- cutter life and I have the perfect life, as well as the perfect home and perfect attitude, but the truth is that no one does. I don't want to paint anymore of an allusion than you already see in your day to day lives. I am 20 years old and since I have been home, I have thrown two fits as if I were five. But this entry isn't about how imperfect people are and justifying my actions just because they are real, rather this entry is about how they were wrong, why I threw them and how the enemy snuck into my heart and fed me lies to fill a hole I wanted to understand, and how believing them destroyed me and others. It was the night I went and saw the chronicles of Narnia, I asked the Lord to speak to me, to minister to my soul, because I had felt I was in a pitt and couldn't pull myself out. The Lord spoke an array of truths to me through that movie, and it helped break the strong holds the enemy had put on me- all the lies. It was one of the last lines in the movie that struck a cord in my soul, when one of the guys said, "I have been too focused on what has been taken, rather than what has been given," and he said in the context of not knowing where his father was. I mean could anything have been more relevant?! That truth coupled with the truth of value enabled me again. They were simple truths, but man did it feel good to hear them. It was like medicine to my soul. That night after writing last week's entry I took a long shower and talked to God because I realized I had some repenting to do. I laid on the bathtub floor and weeped. I asked God to show me why I had acted the way I did towards my family, I asked Him to help me get out of this pain because I didn't want to live this way for the rest of my life. I asked God how do I move on from this, how do I repent of this, I pleaded for Him to show me, and this is what He unveiled. God helped me to find the greatest common factor in both the situations that extracted such anger from me. The one over the pictures, I was angry because I thought my mom was trying to take something away from me. I remembered looking through those pictures and wondering why she wasn't in most of them doing the happy things with me like my Nanny and pawpaw, and thats when I allowed the enemy to usher me to the lie that I was a burden to her- thats why she wasn't delighted, that she was the one who got stuck with me. I doubted her love for me, and I carried that insecurity home and it reared its ugly head in my burst of irrational anger. But what about on Christmas Eve and the triangle of joy? They were happy without me, they didn't need me... I was just there because they got stuck with me. I was of no value to them. I remember crying to God in realizing what both scenarios had in common- the doubt of being loved and the doubt of being valued, and I asked God, but how am I supposed to deal with a family that doesn't love me? Am I not justified in being hurt? How is that fair? How am I supposed to live with that?Hasn't my life been hard enough? As God let me see the reality of the root of both outbursts- doubting that my mother really and truly wanted me, that my family really and truly wanted me, and that I wasn't loved or wanted all together, God revealed to me the problem. God showed me that I was putting my value in the wrong place. My value isn't determined by weather or not my parents want me, it is determined by the worth Christ has given me. As I sat there, burden slowly being lifted, God said to me the same words I wrote on the last week's blog: Jessica, I don't want your ideal you with a perfect family, I want you; I love you, not your ideal; I value you, not your ideal! God assured me that if He values me, then no one else's opinion matters. God showed me that the only way I can truly move on from being plagued by the lies that I am not valuable, is to place my value where it cannot be shaken, and that is in Him. God took care of a massive burden I have been dealing with for years, and shed light on a way to let it go, and then He guided me to my big empty hole. The one that hurts from numbness and that I have never understood, well He opened it up and spoke truth into it. He said, "Don't believe the lie that your real father consciously chose to live without you. The enemy has entangled him in sin that in turn hurt you, with a plan to destroy you Jessica, but don't believe him. Believe me! Believe the truth! Though your earthly father had many chains that intoxicated his decision to live without you, I chose to die rather than live without you! You are valued more than you can measure. Know that I WORK ALL THINGS OUT FOR GOOD, and regardless of what your adversary tells you, he can not destroy you! For you are mine! You are a child of God, and I call you by YOUR name, Jessica Kristianna HAAS, do not be tempted to believe that his evil workings are too complex for me to mend, for I not only will mend your pain, but I will turn it around and bring myself glory BECAUSE of it! Do not be dismayed my child, you are who you are because I allowed it to be so, and I chose you the way you are right now! No circumstance, no struggle, no pain, no heartache, no mistake, no sin can keep me from using you. You are you and I want you that way! You are not a problem, You are proof! Because of me, you are of worth. Because of me, you are of value, because I want YOU, because I desire YOU." I cried tears of joy on my shower floor, because the Lord's words had soothed my soul. He spoke to me exactly what I needed to hear. So I am here to tell you ladies, there is no God like Him. He does not intend to waste our sorrows, but He plans to use them for His glory! We are valued beyond measure, God told me so, and that is the truth I cling to. My anger with my family came from misplaced value, I placed my value in them and sought them to fill a God-sized bucket of love and value created within me that can only be filled by God. This proves true for the rest of my life. No husband, job, child, ambition, dream, or purpose can fill me up, I was designed so deep that only God can do that job. And so are you. Ladies, perhaps some of you don't struggle with the anger or the hurt as intense as I do, but I know alot of you do. Being a girl in this world is hard, especially when everything promises to give you your worth, but I have written this to tell you that if it doesn't point to God, then its a fake. Ladies, we were designed deep, and when I say deep, I dont mean a little further than shallow, but we were designed to be like deeper than grand canyon deep. Our souls are complex and our desires intricate, but nothing functions correctly if we do not know of our worth- We long to be desired, to be valued, and when we place our value where it belongs- not in family, boys, school, or friends, but in the One who placed it there to fill- the Almighty God, we live life beautifully. And I dont just mean appearance-beautiful, although such assurance of wondrous love does tend to make us glow- but soul-beautiful, to where we are not just walking around with a facade, but we are literally busting at the seems from joy and contentment from the inside out because of the God who has filled us to the brim and overflowed our cup. I learned the hard way where not to put your value, and here is just a raw insight as to how I learned it. But know, I make it raw and give you as close a look as possible so you can know where not to fall. I pray this provides you with as much insight and reflection as it has me. May the Lord show you that you are of more worth because of Him than you could ever imagine. To the King of the stars, and the prince of the galaxies, you are precious, beautiful, and VALUABLE. Delight in the fact that He can fill your depth, and let Him, don't settle for the knockoffs, because His blood claims you are worth more than the counterfeit! This is the truth, ladies. I pray He teaches you how to walk in it this week. Believe Him, and place your value you where it belongs... in Him, where it cannot be shaken.

Psalm 27:10:
"Even if my father and mother abandon me,
      the Lord will hold me close."


Matthew 13:40-45: 
"As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil.  They will throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. Whoever has ears, let them hear. “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought."  
(& ladies, we are the kingdom. Christ gave everything for us! Remember that! There is no better place to put your value! Choose Him.)


Psalm 36: 

¹ I have a message from God in my heart
   concerning the sinfulness of the wicked:
There is no fear of God
   before their eyes.
 ² In their own eyes they flatter themselves
   too much to detect or hate their sin.
³ The words of their mouths are wicked and deceitful;
   they fail to act wisely or do good.
⁴ Even on their beds they plot evil;
   they commit themselves to a sinful course
   and do not reject what is wrong.
 ⁵ Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the skies.
⁶ Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
   your justice like the great deep.
   You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
⁷ How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
   People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ They feast on the abundance of your house;
   you give them drink from your river of delights.
⁹ For with you is the fountain of life;
   in your light we see light.
 ¹⁰ Continue your love to those who know you,
   your righteousness to the upright in heart.
¹¹ May the foot of the proud not come against me,
   nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
¹² See how the evildoers lie fallen—
   thrown down, not able to rise!

1 Peter 1:3-5:
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see."

Check out the song called, "Beautiful, Beautiful" by Francesca Battistelli. Be sure to download it from itunes or something, just make sure you get it and listen to it! It's awesome. You are valuable because He has made you Beautiful, Beautiful!

CHALLENGE: So as I talked with a friend today about the blog, she asked if I was still doing the running. Well in all honesty, a ways into the month I took off for break I started stopping running, welp, yes you guessed it- were starting back. Join in if you'd like, but if you already have a work out then thats cool too. The point of physical discipline is to make it easier for us to approach disciplining ourselves spiritually more readily. So how shall we start again? Lets try 6 down and back ladders in the drive way, and then pray for each person in your family on your cool down walk. So its down and back 1, down and back 2, ..... down and back 6, then walk one, then do 5 down and backs, then walk one, then four down and backs, walk one, 3 down and backs, walk one, 2 down and backs, walk one, then sprint as fast as you can your last one. Then as you cool down you can walk up and down your drive way and pray out loud to God. You can whisper it, and if your neighbors happen to be around, you can think it if you must, but the key is to get in the habit of talking to God. Communication is key for every relationship, including your vertical one. Whip out your prayer journal and document how it went- just like last time ;) Its great to be back ladies, love you, and have a blessed week.